Attachment parenting or RIE / respectful parenting?

The difference between Attachment parenting and RIE / respectful parenting is mostly one axis: doing it themselves. Attachment parenting sits a little toward doing it for them while they are small; RIE / respectful parenting sits toward letting them do it badly, from early. They agree, more than most people expect, on behaviour or feeling and expectation. Neither is the correct one. What follows is what each asks of a parent, and where the difference actually shows up on a Tuesday.

Attachment parenting

You read distress as information rather than as behaviour, and you answer it quickly. The early years are physically close — carrying, contact, sleeping within reach — on the view that a child who is confident of the answer stops needing to ask. Limits arrive later and more gently than in most approaches, because the relationship is doing the work that rules do elsewhere.

What it asks of you

A great deal of physical availability, most of it yours
Tolerance for being needed at night, for years rather than months
Comfort with putting your own sleep and time second for a long stretch
A willingness to be told you are making a rod for your own back, and to carry on

RIE / respectful parenting

You treat a very small child as a person who is already competent, and you say what is happening before it happens. Play is uninterrupted and largely unhelped. You wait before stepping in — not because struggle is good for them, but because the struggle is usually theirs to finish. Praise is replaced by description, on the view that a child working out what they think of their own work should not be interrupted by what you think of it.

What it asks of you

Slowness — a nappy change becomes a two-minute conversation
Sitting on your hands while something takes four times as long
Dropping "good job" as a reflex, which is harder than it sounds
A predictable enough day that a small child can anticipate it

Side by side

Where they differ

Attachment parenting is the filled marker, RIE / respectful parenting the hollow one. Widest difference first.

A1Doing it themselves

doing it for them while they are smallletting them do it badly, from early

Attachment parenting sits a little toward doing it for them while they are small; RIE / respectful parenting sits toward letting them do it badly, from early.

R1Response to distress

let them work through itstep in and settle them straight away

Attachment parenting sits firmly toward step in and settle them straight away; RIE / respectful parenting sits between the two.

D1Structure

we take the day as it comesa predictable rhythm and clear rules

Attachment parenting sits toward we take the day as it comes; RIE / respectful parenting sits toward a predictable rhythm and clear rules.

R3Physical closeness

their own space, earlycarried, close, sleeping near us

Attachment parenting sits firmly toward carried, close, sleeping near us; RIE / respectful parenting sits between the two.

D4Praise and rewards

describing what is therepraising and rewarding freely

Attachment parenting sits between the two; RIE / respectful parenting sits firmly toward describing what is there.

G2Whose needs count

the child's needs come first, alwaysthe adults in the house count too

Attachment parenting sits toward the child's needs come first, always; RIE / respectful parenting sits between the two.

C1Consistency that can be heldwhat your life allows

it varies — by the day, and by who is onthe same line every time

Attachment parenting sits a little toward it varies — by the day, and by who is on; RIE / respectful parenting sits toward the same line every time.

A4How full the week is

unstructured time, boredom is fineactivities, outings, things laid on

Attachment parenting sits a little toward unstructured time, boredom is fine; RIE / respectful parenting sits firmly toward unstructured time, boredom is fine.

A2Risk

removing the hazardletting them meet it

Attachment parenting sits a little toward removing the hazard; RIE / respectful parenting sits a little toward letting them meet it.

C2Bandwidthwhat your life allows

running on emptyhaving room for this

Attachment parenting sits toward having room for this; RIE / respectful parenting sits a little toward having room for this.

Where they agree

Usually more than the argument between them suggests.

Behaviour or feeling. Both sit toward what is underneath it.
Expectation. Both sit toward their own pace, no push.

Neither of these is the correct one

Which fits depends on what you value and on what your week actually allows — and the second of those is the half nobody writes about. The questionnaire scores both.

See which one you are already doing