Parenting philosophy

Gentle parenting

Connection before correction, and never through fear.

The behaviour is a signal and the signal is what you answer. Punishment is off the table, not as a tactic but as a commitment; what replaces it is staying close while a child is at their worst. It is the most visible approach of the last decade and the least codified — its texts agree completely about punishment and disagree with each other about almost everything else, which is why this row is wide where it is wide.

R1: Response to distress
R2: Behaviour or feeling
R3: Physical closeness
D1: Structure
D2: Who decides
D3: Consequences
D4: Praise and rewards
A1: Doing it themselves
A2: Risk
A3: Expectation
A4: How full the week is
G1: Where guidance comes from
G2: Whose needs count
C1: Consistency that can be held
C2: Bandwidth

What it asks of you

Not what it promises

Every approach here works for the families it suits; the useful question is what it costs to run.

Regulating yourself first, in the moment you least want to
Accepting that the same limit will be tested many more times than it would be elsewhere
Considerable time — connection is slower than a consequence
Resisting the version of it circulating online, which has no limits in it at all

How it gets misread

The most misread row in the instrument, in both directions. Its critics hear "no limits"; a large share of the parents who claim it have absorbed the online version, which really does drop the limits. The texts do not.

Axis by axis

Where it stands

Every position with the source it was read from, and the pale band is how much internal variation the approach genuinely tolerates. A wide band is not vagueness — it means the texts in this family really do disagree with each other about that axis.

R1Response to distress

let them work through itstep in and settle them straight away

Source: The Gentle Parenting Book

R2Behaviour or feeling

what they didwhat is underneath it

Source: The Gentle Parenting Book

R3Physical closeness

their own space, earlycarried, close, sleeping near us

Source: The Gentle Parenting Book

D1Structure

we take the day as it comesa predictable rhythm and clear rules

Very wide dispersion on purpose: the gentle-parenting literature genuinely disagrees with itself about routine.

Source: The Gentle Parenting Book

D2Who decides

we work it out with themthe adults decide, and explain

Source: The Gentle Parenting Book

D3Consequences

no imposed consequences at allthe same consequence, every time

Narrow, and the one thing every text in the family agrees on.

Source: The Gentle Parenting Book

D4Praise and rewards

describing what is therepraising and rewarding freely

Source: The Gentle Parenting Book

A1Doing it themselves

doing it for them while they are smallletting them do it badly, from early

Source: The Gentle Parenting Book

A2Risk

removing the hazardletting them meet it

Source: The Gentle Parenting Book

A3Expectation

their own pace, no pushhigh expectations, and pushing

Source: The Gentle Parenting Book

A4How full the week is

unstructured time, boredom is fineactivities, outings, things laid on

Source: The Gentle Parenting Book

G1Where guidance comes from

instinct and observationresearch, books, a named method

Source: The Gentle Parenting Book

G2Whose needs count

the child's needs come first, alwaysthe adults in the house count too

Source: The Gentle Parenting Book

C1Consistency that can be heldwhat your life allows

it varies — by the day, and by who is onthe same line every time

Source: The Gentle Parenting Book

C2Bandwidthwhat your life allows

running on emptyhaving room for this

Source: The Gentle Parenting Book

Further

What to read

The Gentle Parenting Book — Sarah Ockwell-Smith
The clearest single statement of a family of ideas that does not really have one.
Good Inside — Becky Kennedy
The version most parents have actually met. Strong on the parent's own reaction; light on where limits come from.

Compared with

Sources for this row

The Gentle Parenting Book
Sarah Ockwell-Smith, Piatkus, 2016. Used for the gentle-parenting row, which has no single canonical text — hence the wide dispersion on structure in that row.

Find out which one you are already doing